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    Time for a new story that I'm not likely to finish!

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    Danneh

    Posts : 1820
    Join date : 2009-04-14
    Age : 25
    Location : A good place

    Time for a new story that I'm not likely to finish!

    Post by Danneh on Mon Jun 01, 2009 12:32 am

    Alright, this here would be the pilot chapter. I dunno a name for this story yet, nor do I even know if I wanna continue it. I mainly wrote it before bed to blow off some stress.

    But yeah, if anyone likes this, I'll write more; if you DON'T like it, ima still write more to get into the actual plot. I assure you this isn't a story about a card game. >>






    The sun lingered high over the city of Botech. Beneath its warm embrace, cars speeded by on paved roads, music blaring from their speakers, flooding the alleys that several young boys took shelter in, their game flowing just out of the reach of the sun’s warm light.
    “Heh, so, you seem pretty confident for someone with a deck full of such low-numbered cards.”
    “Yeah? Don’t shake me off just yet.”
    “Pfft, you’re just some popular kid! What would you know about this game, huh?!” In the midst of the alley, two boys, one short child donning a pair of frameless glasses, staring his opponent down, a tall, confident young man, spiked silver-blue hair blowing with the gentle breeze that blew through the alleyway.
    “So tell me, what does my social status…” The blue haired boy spoke with overflowing confidence, “…have to do with me knowing my way around this game or not?” He finished, reaching into the deck of cards in his left hand, pulling one out and smirking.
    “All you’ve played so far are threes and fours!” The short one spat out, adjusting his glasses cockily. “And you say you know how to play, after I’ve broken all your moves? Get real.”
    His opponent’s confident smirk never flickered.
    “Let’s see what you have to say to this, then!” The card that he grasped in his right hand was thrown down to the concrete, perfectly aligned face-up with the others. The short boy’s reaction was full of sheer horror.
    “V-Value Reversal?! How’d you get your hands on a card so rare?!” The boy’s glasses nearly fell off of his face, his head thrown back in shock.
    “Like I said, don’t judge a book by its cover. Now all your high-numbered cards are useless, and I doubt you have enough hit points left to survive this last card…” From his hand, he whipped out a card and threw it face down on the cement.
    “We’ll see about that!” The short boy threw his own card down, landing right in front of the blue-haired boy’s. With haste, the two immediately knelt down and flipped their cards over, the smirk on the blue-haired boy’s face turning to a laugh of delight at the short kid’s wail of terror.
    “Petal Scythe! That’s the new limited-edition card!” A girl leaning against the wall spectating the match spoke to her friend, one who wore a jacket that matched the blue-haired boy’s.
    “This kid must have connections or something.”



    “Yo, Herrag, let’s go. It’s getting dark,” A voice echoed through the alley, a low, pubescent shout. The blue-haired boy turned in response and walked down the alley, but not without a final taunt.
    “So let that one be a lesson to you!” He smirked again and ran off, the short boy on his knees, shocked that his perfectly high-numbered deck was countered so easily.



    “So, how’d it go, Herrag?” A red-haired teen stood at the end of the alley, his long brown military jacket flowing with the wind, having picked up as the sun set.
    “Hey, Fault. Won another match… You know, you should get into this game, it’s pretty fun,” Herrag spoke half-truthfully as he threw his hair back, knowing Fault’s disdain for card games.
    “No thanks, man… I don’t even know why you hang out with those losers,” Fault let out a spiteful chuckle as he started to walk down the path next to the road, Herrag soon to follow.
    “The game’s fun, and those ‘losers’ aren’t so bad once you get to know them,” Herrag said in his defense.
    “Right, right… Let’s just get home. Ace and Sejayse are waiting on us.”





    Yeh. Review plocks.
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    Danneh

    Posts : 1820
    Join date : 2009-04-14
    Age : 25
    Location : A good place

    Re: Time for a new story that I'm not likely to finish!

    Post by Danneh on Mon Jun 01, 2009 12:32 am

    FUCKING forums didn't keep the formatting... ==

    *fixes*
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    Danneh

    Posts : 1820
    Join date : 2009-04-14
    Age : 25
    Location : A good place

    Re: Time for a new story that I'm not likely to finish!

    Post by Danneh on Mon Jun 01, 2009 12:33 am

    Well, that's great... apparently these forums don't like indents.

    *sigh* Sorry about the shitty format then. >>

    Icky

    Posts : 774
    Join date : 2009-04-15
    Location : south of somewhere, north of nowhere, east of the end, west of the beginning

    Re: Time for a new story that I'm not likely to finish!

    Post by Icky on Mon Jun 01, 2009 4:30 am

    I'mma gonna give you some constructive criticism. Take as much or as little of it as you like.
    *cars sped by (line 1)
    line 2 - What exactly is flooding the alleys? Is it the sunlight? Because with line 3 that doesn't make any sense. Is it the music from the cars? It needs to be clarified.
    line 3 - How does a game flow exactly? o.O

    Your descriptions of characters are a bit... verbose? It is a lot easier to just say things than to try to make it sound spectacular. "one short child donning a pair of frameless glasses" I'm sorry, but I just don't like the way it is worded.



    *shrug* It has potential.

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    Re: Time for a new story that I'm not likely to finish!

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